Don't Buy Painted Old Navy Flip Flops

They may look cute, but don't let that fool you... I put a pair on today since I was helping Mom clean the back porch, and I was also helping clean the pool, and get it ready for summer. They were red, aqua, yellow, and black striped, and I'd never worn them before. All it took was a little water, and the next thing I know my feet start feeling slimy. Oh well I was busy so I kept doing my thing. Then when I took a break I discovered they had dyed the bottoms of my feet a really horrible dark maroonish color. I had to soak, soap, pumice scrub, repeat for about 30 minutes tonight to finally get them descent. The bottoms of my feet are still a little dark pink, but I couldn't completely scrub my feet to death my pumice stone is now maroon. The upside is I did change my nail polish, and so I'm ready for Yellow Box flip flops, at least they never have dyed my feet.

For the Love of Ray J

Girl, I do not know what my Mama was thinkin' when she went to get her toenails did, and had them paint 'em YELLOW! So Wednesday I pull up at my Mama's house, and she comes walking out to ask me what do I think about her new pedicure. My thoughts went something like this, "Oh gosh, they look like they have a bad fungus or something, gag, why on earth did she pick that color, what am I going to tell her?" I really don't like to be mean and hurt peoples' feelings, so I just knodded and said, "They're ok." That was it, discussion over.

Fast forward about 3 or 4 hours later. Mom- "My toenails are bothering me. I think I messed up. They look really bad." Me- "They're pretty awful, it looks like you have a fungus and your toenails are rotting off." Mom- "I look like someone with cerrhosis of the liver!" Me- "Why on earth did you pick that color?" Mom-"Seriously since last November I have wanted to paint my toenails yellow or chartreuse. I don't know why, but you know how it is when you get something in your mind, and you just can't leave it alone. I guess I was going for the Shrek look or something." Me-"Shrek is not exactly a fashion icon."

Then she took a picture on her phone and sent it to her sisters and my sister. Well Jordan calls, and has no problem off the bat telling her they look disgusting, and go change it. In our family, if you want an HONEST opinion about how you or something you are wearing looks you ask Jordan. She never steers you wrong, and because of the brutal honesty she has expressed towards me in the past, I have no problem with telling her what I really think. However, she is probably the only person in the world that I can say mean stuff like that to. She recently sent some pictures of herself and Josh in an e-mail, and my first reaction was to pick up the phone and tell her to ditch the skirt she was wearing, and here's the awesome thing she replied, "I'm putting it in the Goodwill bag right now, although I don't think anyone else should make the same mistake of wearing it." Don't you love that!

Anyways the story has a very happy ending, Mom went, and had her polish changed to a beautiful shade of red, with a really cute tulip on her big toes. :)

Chicken Feathers with a hint of Lime

Everybody that knows me knows I don't want anything to do with the sun. I Xnayed tanning right when I graduated high school. It's always easy to find me on the beach: I'm the one with the long sleeves, hat, big sun glasses, loads of SPF, towel draped over my legs, under an umbrella.

When I walked into class to teach this week it looked like EVERYONE had been laying out or in a tanning bed. Ugh! Yes I started to really feel like the pastey old professor. So ladies & gents I went to the sto, and got me some Banana Boat tan in a can with a hint of lime to supposedly keep one from smelling like chicken feathers. I hope you can all appreciate that I am smelling very much like Tequila Lime Chicken, but not in a yummy sort of way. It has been almost 3 hours since I applied the stuff, and I think I can barely notice my legs looking a little bit darker. I used Neutragena Tan in a can last year to get all brown for Jordan's wedding, but as soon as the wedding was over I quit because I couldn't stand the smell. Another Ugh! Is there such a thing as sunless tanner that actually doesn't smell?

A Little Advice for 2 of my favorite Athletes

Dear Sam & Apollo,

I would hate to have to stop liking either of you, so if you could please do me a favor.... If Jessica Simpson should try to call you please do not answer, and then have her number blocked. I was just starting to like Tony Romo when she appeared and poof he lost all his skills, and most of his cuteness. I don't think either of you would want that to happen, so take my advice on this you won't regret it.

Love,

Jacqueline

So... Can we talk about your swimsuit?

There was once a time when the thought of a new swimsuit was just beyond delightful and exciting. I couldn't wait to go to the beach, the country club, the neighbors, the wading pool in the back yard, or even the sprinkler. You name it, I loved swimsuits. My favorite one when I was a little girl was red plaid with really frilly ruffles around the neck and down the back. If my memory serves me correctly it also had a cute bow above the butt.

Every spring the Victoria's Secret magazine arrives, and it is always closely followed by the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. Somehow my old love of bathing attire has vanished. So this brings me to the point of today's blog...

Can we talk about your swimsuit? I'd like to give everyone out there a couple tips. Unless you are under 120 lbs. white and stringy should not be in the picture. If you've blown out the candles on more than a quarter of a century then throw the Victoria's Secret away and reach for a copy of Lands End or one of those Sam's Club black one piece Speedo swimsuits. However, should you decide to throw caution to the wind then head on down to Destin, Florida where you can see more than you wanted to see, and you can show more than anyone wants you to show.